Back in Sync with a Teenager

Posted on May 18, 2012 by JunkoUSA

Josh earning his keep during my WV interview in the Dominican Republic

Something about this trip to the Dominican Republic restored a part of my relationship with my 14-year old son, Josh, which had recently become somewhat…out of balance. It had been a stressful couple of weeks leading up to our departure, what with the illness which swept through our home, his oral surgery, and that “issue” with his report card and all.

Josh had always been my buddy. Yes, I’m still his mama, but in many ways we had always shared a sweet friendship, and we’d talk about anything and everything. “He talks like he’s an adult,” his first grade teacher once told me. “You guys are doing a great job as parents.” I proudly wore such compliment as a badge of honor on my heart.

Sometime during this school year, though, we began to slip out of sync. Maybe that’s just life with a teenager, but I hadn’t been comfortable with it. Our conversations became littered with defensiveness and misunderstanding. They became, more often than not, one-way conversation (aka, nagging).

As Josh saw first-hand what poverty truly looks like this week in DR, I watched a part of his heart soften. I don’t know exactly what he was thinking – teenage boys don’t always verbalize their thoughts to Mom – but I saw something in his eyes change as he played with the many little children who came up to him.

Meeting Francis was the turning point. There was no mistaking that Josh’s life is drastically different – much better in so many ways — than Francis’, and I could tell that he felt moved to try and do his part to make life better for Francis and his family. Maybe he felt pity, which was a big improvement from not caring at all. But while playing catch with this 13-year old boy, using the baseball and mitt we gave as gifts, I saw two boys on equal footing (actually, Francis has better arm than Josh!), sharing a common interest. Maybe in that moment, Josh switched from thinking of Francis as a victim of poverty; he was simply with a new friend.

His heart moved from pity to compassion.

Back at the hotel, he was joking with me like he hadn’t in a long time. He was a my buddy again. It was difficult saying goodbye to our travel group, as we had to leave one day early so Josh wouldn’t miss the entire week of school. Josh had become an integral part of our team rather than “Junko’s son.” Everyone hugged him goodbye and wished him well for his science test tomorrow. Back to reality.

As we head home, I hope and pray that his heart continues to be filled with compassion and that he never forgets that these impoverished children are not nameless faces but God’s precious sons and daughters…and potential friends. May he never forget that even at 14, Josh can do his part to make life a little brighter for one teenager in a foreign country.

And May I continue to have a restored bond with my teenager.

Visiting with Francis, our World Vision sponsored child

Would you like to sponsor a child like Francis through World Vision? If you’re interested, please click right here to go to the World Vision website.

Meeting our Sponsored World Vision Child Francis

Posted on May 17, 2012 by JunkoUSA

On Wednesday this week, we had the opportunity to meet and spend a little time with our sponsored child Francis in the rural area of the Dominican Republic. It was an unforgettable day for me, but this experience made a huge impression in Josh. I’ll have more thoughts to blog on later, but here are some photos of our experience:

Josh and his new friend Francis, 13 years-old

The grandparents are raising 9 grandkids ranging from 2 years to 16 in this dilapidated home. World Vision is going to build them a new home.

We brought Francis some baseballs and a mitt. He's got arm!

We were so pleased to make one child's day with a few gifts! But our best gift will be to support him monthly until he graduates school.

Panda Mom in Dominican Republic

Posted on May 16, 2012 by JunkoUSA

I am traveling in the Dominican Republic with World Vision this week. Hope to update you when I have Internet connection.

Birth Order and God’s Infinite Wisdom

Posted on May 14, 2012 by JunkoUSA

Photo courtesy iStockphoto.com

I often asked myself why, when I became a mom to Josh, did God give us the gift of a difficult baby first. He cried constantly, and he was never satisfied. Life was very rough for us all during those early months of his life. Lord, why couldn’t You have given us our second baby — an usually easy infant — first? That would have gone miles towards easing me into this thing called parenting. Couldn’t have I gone on the slow train first, then worked my way up to the express instead of jumping on the bullet train immediately? I was hanging on for dear life from the moment he was born!

In contrast, Meg, our second baby, was the poster child of an easy infant. She slept and slept, ate and ate, and only whimpered occasionally. To the point where I actually became concerned that she might be mute. I started to picture my daughter never uttering a sound and needing to learn sign language. I also checked obsessively that she was still breathing while she quietly slept, which she did all day and all night.

She did eventually wake up, and I soon found out that her voice box works just fine.

Why, O Lord, wasn’t she born first?

Then it dawned on me one day that this was all in God’s plan.

He gave me a tough baby first so that I would be forced to turn my attention, fully focused, on my family!

You see, until that point in my life, I was focused only on myself – my dreams, my career, me, me, me. I didn’t realize this, of course, believing that I was an altruistic, caring person who gave unselfishly to others, including, if I felt like it sometimes, to my husband. My time was mine to use, and my money, my own. I was always on the go, enjoying all of my many activities, none more than traveling and making music.

If Meg had been born first, I would have easily continued on my path, basically ignoring her because she was so not demanding. I could have carried her like a purse or a stuffed bear. I could have left her with a sitter all day and all night, because she was so easy.

Instead, I was forced to drop everything and turn all of my focus and energy to my firstborn who was never satisfied. He accepted no artificial substitutes – no bottles, no binkies, no baby swings – but demanded only the real deal.

Initially, I thought I could blaze on with my music ministry with a baby. I hired a sitter to travel with me to faraway places, thinking she would happily play with him as I sang on stage. Unfortunately, things never worked out quite so well. Upon hearing him wail backstage, my milk would start flowing mid-song, much to my embarrassment. Our sitter nearly lost her hearing from his incessant cries. After a while, it just became too stressful to juggle everything, so I just gave up and got off the road. We bonded, and to this day we still have a strong bond, my sweet, sensitive teenager and I.

By the time Meg came around, I was used to focusing on my baby, so focus I did. Meg, of all babies, could have been fine with sitters, bottles, and binkies, but I had become very much a hands-on mom. In fact, I forced my very independent daughter to bond with her mommy! Otherwise, she could have been neglected, and she could have continued on without really bonding with anyone. Today, I have a preteen daughter who can talk to me about anything. Our bond is quite strong.

So, you see how God had this all planned out so well? He is so wise and infinitely beyond what I could have even asked or imagined. In fact, I loathe to think what could have happened if I had had an easy baby first.

Thank You, Lord, for your perfect plan!

View from the hotel in the Dominican Republic where I am traveling with World Vision this week

How did your kids’ birth order affect your parenting style? Tell me about it in the comments below.

Homework Battle and How I Stopped It

Posted on May 12, 2012 by JunkoUSA

Josh with his math teacher

Do you battle over homework with your grade school kids? We sure do. And it can get pretty ugly.

“What do you have for homework today? Have you done it? Get off the video game and get started now!”

And on it went. I would start nagging. They would start resisting. I would nag some more. Our home became a battle ground in the afternoons. As much as I didn’t like that kind of an environment, we were stuck. The more I nagged, the more they dawdled.

So I decided to make them own it.

I told them that they can do their homework and still play on the computer…if they schedule for it. If Josh wants to nap to compensate for the early morning jazz band class, he can. Just plan for it. If Meg wants to play with makeup, go ahead. Put it down on the scheduler and work around it.

My solution to the homework battle -- Josh's own planner. Feel free to use it too!

Josh, in particular, needed to have his plans put down on paper, so I came up with this scheduler sheet in Excel. You can feel free to download it and use it if you’d like.

It’s only been about two weeks since I started this system, but — by golly — it seems to be working. This scheduler is in 15-minute increments, so he can put down his homework minutes that he plans to use as well as any play dates, tennis class, youth group, etc. We just have a small battle — more like a little skirmish — as he plans his afternoon, then off he goes. He plans liberally for his “breaks” and “snack time.” I only check once or twice to see how he’s following along with his schedule. I think he feels good about his own achievements.

I can’t believe how efficiently he gets his work done now when he knows that a break is coming up soon. And I’m relieved that we’re not stuck in a cycle of nagging and resisting anymore. We only have a few more weeks of school left this year, but I think it’s better late than never!

How do you handle the homework battle? Can you use a form like this for your home? Share with us some of your success stories here in the comments!

A Poem for Moms

Posted on May 11, 2012 by JunkoUSA

If You Give a Mom a Muffin

by Kathy Fictorie

If you give a mom a muffin,

She’ll want a cup of coffee to go with it.

She’ll pour herself some.

Her three-year-old will spill the coffee.

She’ll wipe it up.

Wiping the floor, she’ll find dirty socks.

She’ll remember she has to do laundry.

When she puts the laundry in the washer.

She’ll trip over boots and bump into the freezer.

Bumping into the freezer will remind her she has to plan for supper.

She will get out a pound of hamburger.

She’ll look for her cookbook (“101 Things to Do With a Pound of Hamburger”).

The cookbook is sitting under a pile of mail.

She will see the phone bill, which is due tomorrow.

She will look for her checkbook.

The checkbook is in her purse that is being dumped out by her two-year-old.

She’ll smell something funny.

She’ll change the two-year old’s diaper.

While she is changing the diaper, the phone will ring.

Her five-year old will answer and hang up.

She’ll remember she wants to phone a friend for coffee.

Thinking of coffee will remind her that she was going to have a cup.

And chances are…

If she has a cup of coffee,

Her kids will have eaten the muffin

That went with it.

* * * *

Sorry I ate your cupcake, Mommy. Or maybe it was a muffin...

The leaders of the MOPS group where I spoke and sang yesterday gave me this poem along with a cupcake. Or was it a muffin? I’m not sure, because I never got to find out. My dog got to it when I wasn’t looking and ate it. He’s very sorry. But I really liked the poem by Kathy Fictorie so am sharing it here with you.

Happy Mother’s Day to all you moms out there!

No Mom is an Island

Posted on May 10, 2012 by JunkoUSA

photo courtesy iStockphoto.com

I got to spend a couple of hours this morning speaking and singing to a group of young moms and their kids. It was the weekly MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) meeting at a church in San Clemente, CA, and I had a blast sharing some of my Panda Mom Confessions blogs and singing some of my songs for moms and kids. It was a wonderful morning.

I was especially pleased to see that the ladies shared my quirky sense of humor. I normally don’t get to sit with my readers as you read my blog like I do with David (“Oh, come on, honey — tell me that line was funny! Okay, I’ll change it…”), so aside from the comments I get, I really don’t know what your reaction are to my writing. I certainly hope that you’ll find some of my stuff funny (because — let’s face it — there’s a lot to laugh about in parenting), but it was nice to get an immediate feedback. Actually, sometimes the moms were really in stitches, which pleased me to no end. I think my nursing nightmare post and the one about my own parents went over especially well. Thank you, ladies!

While mingling with these young moms, I was struck by the sisterhood in the room. It’s a smallish group — maybe 20 moms — compared to some MOPS groups I’ve sung at with over 100 ladies, but I could tell that these women share life together. Their children are friends with one another, and the moms really look out for each other. It sure seemed like they’ve been through thick and thin together.

I wished that I had belonged to a group like this MOPS when I was a new mom. They were probably around nearby, but I just wasn’t aware of them. I was so used to forging my own path up until that point in my life that I didn’t even bother looking. I’m pretty independent, and I pull myself up by my own bra straps. Oh, that’s not how the saying goes? Well, you know what I mean. I was an island, all alone, and I was really struggling.

I did have a small group of friends who had babies at around the same time as I did. I already told you about them – they all had girls. And girls reach milestones a lot sooner than most boys, particularly mine. Let’s just say I didn’t exactly lean into this group for support, but that was my own shortfall.

If I had known that MOPS groups are everywhere, I probably would have tried them out initially just so that I would have 2 1/2 hours of uninterrupted (unless there’s a meltdown in the nursery) time to converse with other moms about many topics — not just baby-related — while we all stood around rocking our invisible babies in our arms. I would have also come for the most delicious breakfast potluck around with all the cheesy, oozy, egg-y casseroles you can imagine.

But then I would have found support from the other ladies going through early motherhood and would have learned that I’m not the only one going through whatever trials and tribulations I’d be experiencing that week. I would have learned that I’m not a complete and utter failure as a mom — other moms are failing too, so I’m not all alone in this! I would have learned from mentor moms who had walked through this period in life and came out the other side…and lived to tell. I would have been inspired by speakers and teachers at each meeting. Who knows — perhaps I could have been a better mom if I had experienced a group like this 10 years ago.

So, I encourage you moms out there — whether Tiger or Panda — to search for moms support groups like MOPS. I’m sure you’ll benefit from these fellow sojourners, but you just might also be a blessing to others as well.

Are you a part of a group? How do have you found them to be helpful?

Report Cards and Regrets

Posted on May 8, 2012 by JunkoUSA

Photo courtesy iStockphoto.com (i.e., not my kids' actual report cards, though not far from them)

The mid-semester progress report cards came out last Friday.

I was sitting in the waiting room for Joshua’s oral surgery when I decided to check on my email. I should never check email when I’m anxious — the surgery was running well over an hour behind schedule — because it could bear bad news. And I won’t handle them very well.

“Dear Parents, you may now go to the parent portal website to check your child’s grades,” announced the email from the school principal. Now that I have an iPhone, I can surf the ‘net anywhere, so I did.

Mistake.

Neither of my kids’ grades are stellar, but Josh’s math grade was particularly alarming. It was in a territory never explored by me nor my husband David.

When we were Josh’s age, we were both spending our weekends competing in local math contests. And winning. David was a valedictorian for his high school and went on to become a math major at UC San Diego. I was a computer science major. As immigrants, we were both late English learners, so math was our lifeline throughout junior high and high school. In fact, we both LOVED math! Math should be genetically encoded to be our children’s favorite topic.

And they’re both getting their lowest grades in this subject.

Pardon me, but I can’t help asking myself this question: what did I do wrong?

I look back at my past 14 years as a parent, and I start to doubt myself. Here are some of the things I find myself asking:

Should I have waited another year before starting my kids in kindergarten? As young parents, we were so eager to send them out of the house. I hear that these days, most Tiger Parents wait until their kids — particularly boys — are at least 6 before starting them in kindergarten. Maybe I should have waited until Josh was 6. Or 14.
Should I have had him repeat kindergarten? This would have been relatively easy and inconspicuous to do, since Josh attended the kindergarten which was at the same place as his preschool. At first grade he switched schools. Another boy who also attended that same preschool and kindergarten went on to our neighborhood public kindergarten the following year. No one had to know that he repeated kindergarten. What an advantage that would have given Josh. So what if he would have been introduced on the high school athletic field by the announcer, “Forward, Joshua Cheng, senior, age 23″?
Should I have worked more with him on all subjects at an early stage or gotten a tutor, at least? I hate to admit it, but it’s true — I didn’t work with him very hard at home. I was always self-motivated, so I never even imagined that our own kids would need extra help. Yes, I was busy with my own career and running the household, but I should have stopped and taken notice when his grades began slipping…in preschool.
Maybe I should have been a helicopter parent, after all. I fought that notion like crazy. I didn’t want to hover over my kids, because I believed one should take ownership of their own lives. But maybe, for some kids, they need more guidance. I should have ignored his plea to get out of his personal space during homework. I should have installed that hidden camera to verify that he actually was doing his work while I took off on errands when, in fact, he was probably on E-trade.
Should I have sent him to a different (and easier) middle school than the one he goes to now? He wanted to stay with his group of good friends so didn’t want to switch schools, but maybe I should have insisted.

So many regrets. But then I know a God who can still redeem any situation and eventually bring Him glory while making us grow. High school is right around the corner. Good thing middle school grades are not on college transcripts. I think we can still redeem this situation…

Ya think?

The Show Must Go On

Posted on May 6, 2012 by JunkoUSA

The previous day ended like this:

“It hurts to pump the soap out of the dispenser,” cried Meg. Although perhaps not as important as her feet in dance, her left arm is nonetheless crucial at certain points in the group routine. “We’ve worked so hard on this dance. I can’t let my team down tomorrow!”

When Meg turned 3, I became a dance mom. I thought I was going to be a soccer mom, but my kids never warmed up to soccer. “Soccer uniforms are ugly,” she declared. Certainly true, compared to dance costumes. We’ve been going to various dance competitions since she was 5. If I were an outsider walking into these dance events, I’d think that I was observing one of those reality shows where little girls wear false lashes and gaudy makeup to live out their moms’ dreams. The first time I caked on makeup on my 5-year old’s face, I prayed that the Lord would forgive me and that I wasn’t corrupting her character forever.

I’ve since learned that dance actually requires some major skills. The girls don’t just stand there looking pretty. It takes team work, determination, and quite a bit of athleticism. I still wish we didn’t have to put such heavy makeup on little girls to dance, but at least Meg has picked up some wonderful makeup skills along the way.

Anyway, loaded up on Advil, Meg bravely faced The Day.

Time to get ready for the show

She was still in quite a bit of pain as she applied makeup, but she didn’t want to wear a brace nor her sling. She got dressed and ran through the routine with the team several times. On the second to the last time through, she used her left arm to push herself off the floor like normal and felt a sharp pain. “I think I hurt it again, mom,” she stated while holding back tears. She worked with the choreographer to modify the routine just a bit.

I took my seat in the audience a few minutes before their routine. I held my breath as she bravely walked on stage and began dancing with the dozen other girls on the team. I was just hoping that she wouldn’t break down in the middle of the routine, wincing in pain, and they’d have to call the ambulance to rescue my 11-year old off the stage. They would have to stop the entire show as they placed her on the gurney, and in the morning the front page of the paper would say…

Sometimes mom’s imagination takes her to strange places.

For the most part, you couldn’t tell that there was anything amiss. In the two or three instances where she normally would pushed herself off the floor with both arms, she only used her right arm and slipped out of time a tiny bit. In another spot where she was supposed to really use both arms, she walked off very jazz-like to the wings as if it was planned all along.

Meg, right, with the rest of her dance team

When it was over, I could breathe again. My heart almost burst with pride. No, it wasn’t her finest dance, but it was her best effort. She wore her game face the whole time, and she never gave up.

I am glad that she understands when the show must go on. You can’t just curl up into a ball, sulk in the corner, and give up. I supposed this is what these extracurricular activities are supposed to teach you: perseverance. Life lessons. I don’t care if it’s ice skating, swimming, soccer, or dance — these activities help kids build character so they can someday be functioning adults. Sometimes, it’s not easy on us mom’s hearts, however.

“First place!” announced the judges. Never mind that they were the only entrants in this particularly category. I thought they deserved the gold medal.

Can they give out medals to moms too, please?

Meg and her friend Ally after the show, relieved.

What activities do your kids do, and how have they helped them grow? How have they helped you grow as a mom?

A Day in the Life of a Panda Mom

Posted on May 4, 2012 by JunkoUSA

Left school before lunch, now watching a video to prepare for pulling teeth — six in total, including his wisdom teeth.

The recovery is just not so pleasant…

Hello, world.

They gave us the four teeth for some reason. They look like shark teeth. Maybe we’ll make a necklace.

Came home, dropped Josh off, picked up Meg to go to dance, Meg falls during tap on her arms and can’t move her elbows. Off to the medical clinic!

X-rays check out no broken bone. Final diagnosis by Dr. Dave: hyper-extension of elbow. Hooray, because she did NOT want to be in a cast at the dance competition tomorrow.

…I’m feeling rather hyper-extended myself too. I’ll join Josh and eat some ice cream for dinner.

Ever have a day like mine?